Monday, 7 January 2013
The Rt. Hon. Grant Shapps MP, Conservative Party chairman, continues to execute welfare reform. His army of immoral minions populating the Conservative Party propose a variety of methods to reduce the cost of welfare. The justification for such reductions is inspired by highlighting behavioural anomalies of the unemployed that prove 'skiving' is so much more appealing than 'striving'. Recent examples of these welfare reductions are the distribution of food vouchers rather than money to some claimants and Westminster Council's plan to reduce benefits for obese people. Both these schemes prevent the claimant from spending tax-payers money on entertainment, fun and other perversities.
Now, Shapps has devised an umbrella policy that canopies all the anti-fun schemes. Entitled 'Misery: The Road To Wealth', it is a forthright and unashamed ejaculation of intent. Unemployment, 'Misery' states, is an avoidable temporary scenario and during such a scenario all energies of the claimant should be assigned to finding employment. Any deviation to fun is opposition to the jobhunt. Fatty junk food, or 'comfort' food as it is knowingly ascribed, smoking, drinking and other vices have already been identified by aforesaid schemes, and 'Misery' takes a holistic approach, tackling exhaustively all deviations to fun and entertainment, and even regulates against fun itself: "Happiness is incompatible with unemployment and any attempts to create joy in ones heart when claiming benefit is unacceptable. Happiness isn't free," is a key proclamation in 'Misery'.
'Misery' removes every temptation from the claimant that would divert his gaze from finding work. Only vital food is allowed, smoking and drinking alcohol are prohibited, as are televisions, music players and pulp fiction books. Pets must be put in specially-assigned pens or put down, and friends must be registered as 'jobhunt helpers'. Laughter, grinning, skipping and dancing are restricted in frequency and volume; however, the frequency and volume is variable and depends on sexuality of claimant and on cultural ancestry. Sexual release and satisfaction can occur only between 9pm and 11pm.
Monitoring adherence to the rules of 'Misery' will be straightforward as all claimants will be labelled as monitors and all will monitor one another. Monitors' debriefing sessions will occur daily. At these sessions monitors will be expected to supply violations of the rules of 'Misery' by other claimants; failure to supply any violations will mean benefit restrictions for the monitor.
Reaction to 'Misery' has been plentiful: Psychotic undead weirdo Iain Duncan-Smith is excited about 'Misery', "at its core, 'Misery' focuses the mind of the claimant; the removal of distractions is a huge benefit - no pun intended," and Murdoch rentboy Jeremy Hunt asserts "no-one enjoys seeing a scrounger with a smile on his face, it is an affront to hard-working skivvies." Rotund arsewipe Eric Pickles cannot control his orgasmic thrill: "I am absolutely massively huge about 'Misery'", and Chancellor George Osborne yelled "we are spanking these lazy bastards." For Labour, Ed Miliband promised that Labour would "continue", and Dianne Abbott said something about Sugar Puffs. Nick Clegg is the leader of Liberal Democrat Party.
Shapps, seen below in relaxed mood, hopes that 'Misery' will be injected into the unemployed soon.